What do you do when you don't want to do anymore?
Living a life of unfoldment
Listen to this article:
Is there a moment in life when you stop dreaming and scheming? Is there a moment when you stop striving for some certain goal or achievement?
Or is it just me?
My whole life has been goal driven. From my earliest memories, I wanted to be a writer. That meant writing books, since that's all I knew writers did. I didn't realize there's a smorgasbord of possibilities for writers to pursue. I spent most of my life writing news – for radio, television, and that dinosaur – newspapers. News writing has its own rules, rhythm, and nuance. I threw myself into learning all of them.
In that time, I also learned how to write sermons. In seminary, you're taught to meticulously choose your readings and weave them together into a cohesive story, complete with a call to action to stir your audience to do something with what they learned from you.
I also wrote a book, that didn't exactly fly off the shelves, but got good reviews, and endorsements from Archbishop Desmond Tutu and legendary Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong. So, dream achieved, no?
From the first moment I was allowed to speak into a radio station microphone, I was hooked on journalism. I rode that wave for some 20 years, ending at the top of the heap as a writer in the main newsroom at CNN in Atlanta. The achievement was not lost on me as I rode the escalator to the newsroom each day. Some of my colleagues have never been that lucky. By all accounts, I was a successful journalist, until journalism became a sad shell of itself – the corporate version, anyway.
I then made the leap to academic public relations, spending another decade doing that with my life. Now, I work in a journalism-adjacent field of newsletter production and editing. Throughout most of this time, I spent 14 years pursuing the dream of building a spiritual community – providing a place for everyone of a more metaphysical bent to come together to learn and support one another.
If I can view my life without my ego getting in the way, I can see that I've had one hell of a good ride. I've used my talents in writing, speaking, playing music, and even my nascent leadership skills, to build and create things that have helped those around me. I know this because they tell me. I've received many emails from, and had direct conversations with, people who say that something I wrote, said, or did has made their lives better – and sometimes, quite literally, saved their lives.
All in all, that's evidence of a life well lived. Right?
Then why does it feel like I need to do more – but, yet, have zero motivation to do anything more? Maybe I've earned retirement from goals and achievements. Maybe I've paid my dues and can now contentedly wander out to pasture.
The two halves of life
Maybe there's another way to look at it, though. According to Carl Jung, our lives have two halves. In the first half, we build our sense of identity, purpose, importance, and security. We pursue our passions – which I did. I put all my energy into being a great journalist, writer, preacher, and pastor.
Catholic theologian Richard Rohr calls this first stage the building of the "False self" or ego self. It's not a bad thing. In fact, it's a necessary thing. We follow our dreams and passions to learn about ourselves and how we interact with the world. The "False" part – that ego – Rohr says, "is the container that holds you all together, so now its strength is an advantage. Someone who can see their ego in this way is probably what we mean by a 'grounded' person."
In the second half of life, though, we find that this egoic container isn't enough to give our lives meaning anymore. Its pursuits seem pointless, its successes hollow. At this point, we need something more transcendent to bring a sense of fulfillment. Instead of finding purpose from the outside in – a career or success out in the world – we yearn to live from the inside out – where success outside doesn't have the same allure.
As Rohr puts it: "The unitive encounter with a Power greater than you resituates the self inside of a safe universe where you don’t need to be special, rich, or famous to feel alive. […] The hall of mirrors that most people live in becomes unhelpful and even bothersome. Now aliveness comes from the inside out."
This is where I find myself, living life as an unfoldment – an allowing instead of a pursuing. As Rohr says: "Your concern is not so much to have what you love anymore, but to love what you have — right now. This is a monumental change from the first half of life, so much so that it is almost the litmus test of whether you are in the second half of life at all."
If that's the litmus test, the call me a second-halfer, because I'd much rather discover the depths of my own soul than anything shiny or exciting outside of myself.
I think the most amazing thing to shift during this time is that I have less of a penchant for arguing about things with others – especially on topics of politics and religion. These used to be my go-to issues. Don't get me wrong; I still have opinions. But these days it feels more urgent to connect with others on a deeper level – to seek to understand their pain, their joys, and what makes them think and believe as they do. I find myself more curious, more eager to listen to understand instead of listening to respond or make my point.
Answering my own question
Maybe that's the answer to the question of, "What do you do when you don't want to do anymore?" – you just become who you truly are. You're no longer running hard at a goal, so you have time to stop and take in your surroundings in ways you weren't able to when you were hurling yourself through time and space.
You realize you cannot fix the world – not because you're powerless, but because you've focused on the wrong world this whole time. The only thing I truly want to "do" now is repair the world within – the depths of my soul that I have neglected while trying to attain some career goal or please someone who has power or influence over my life.
Ironically enough, truly fixing the inner world will, inevitably, fix the one without. That's because now we're listening not to the voice of the ego telling us to seek but do not find – to strive but never be quite satisfied. Instead, we're listening for the voice of the Holy. A Course in Miracles makes the point that though we call God that "still small voice," the Holy speaks quite loudly and plainly – we simply drown it out by turning up the volume on our ego.
In this period of my life, I have found the ego's volume button and I'm working at turning it way down. When I do, I find God's voice is not a whisper at all – but that confident tone that undergirds my very existence. It is, as Emerson noted, the "iron string" on which every heart vibrates.
I do believe that when we all learn to vibrate on that Divine iron string of love, the music we make together will dissolve all egoic desire, and peace will finally prevail.
Now that's something worth doing.
Music for the journey
“All You Need is Now” - Duran Duran
Stay with the music let it
Play a little longer longer
You don't need anybody
All you need is now
Past Guest Speaking Gigs:
This is the sermon I delivered at the Unitarian Church in Charleston, S.C., on January 28, 2023. (Stick around at the end to hear my original song, “I Believe.”)
Looking for a guest speaker at your spiritual community? Contact me!
About the Motley Mystic:
The Motley Mystic is an online community for people who have realized that the truth speaks with many voices. There is no one religion, philosophy, institution, or dogma that captures the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth. No one needs to swear allegiance to one line of thought or belief to discern Truth, because Love is the only thing that’s real. That’s what we explore at the Motley Mystic - all the tools and strategies we need to remove our barriers to Love and live fully as our true Divine Self.
Candace Chellew is the founder of Motley Mystic as well as Jubilee! Circle, an interfaith spiritual community in Columbia, S.C. She is also the author of Bulletproof Faith: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay and Lesbian Christians published in 2008 by Jossey-Bass and the founder and senior editor emeritus of Whosoever: An Online Magazine for LGBTQ People of Faith. She is also a musician and avid animal lover.