No discomfort, no expansion
A Motley Mystic Monday Moment on how two kinds of fear can help us ditch our limitations and explore life's infinite possibilities
I remember the moment like it was yesterday: I was terrified. The moment before I had been cautious, but now, I was terrified. Several years ago, I was walking my dogs in the neighborhood I lived in – a nice quiet subdivision – and my neighbor had just told me his dog had gotten loose.
You have to understand, this was an older man who had a young, big dog that was obviously too much for him to handle. The dog had slipped the leash and gone galivanting around the 'hood. Who knew where he was or when he might show up again? But, as we spoke, the dog reappeared in the middle of the road and saw me and my two dogs near his owner, and charged.
The owner moved to try to get his dog, but did I mention this guy was old? He was way slower than his young, energetic and now running at full speed toward me, dog. A little background: Both of my dogs at the time, The Lord, a German Shepherd who is still with me, and Jack, a pit-bull, St. Bernard-mix who closely resembled a barrel with fur and blue eyes, who sadly has passed on, did not enjoy meeting other dogs – especially not those who are charging at them.
As the dog approached, I judged his progress and as he got closer, I rapped my walking stick on the ground in front of me with such force that I cracked it. That was enough, though, to make him veer off to my right, which was where Jack who then proceeds to try to tear my arm off to chase the now fleeing dog. The distraction, though, gave us enough time to make a run for the house, where I spent the next hour trying to get my heartrate and blood pressure back to normal.
About 11 years ago or so, I also had another terrifying experience, but it was very different. I had been talking for many months about starting a new spiritual community in Columbia called Jubilee! Circle. I had been in conversation with many supporters and had been told by others that I should start something up in the spirit of the Jubilee! Community in Asheville. I had been hemming and hawing and making excuses when one of my main supporters at the time asked, "What's stopping you?"
Fear, for one. But this was a different kind of fear than that moment when a charging dog was bearing down on me. Instead of fearing for my life – this was a fear that kind of excited me. It was a fear that invited me to expand not just my own heart, but the hearts of those around me who wanted to have this new community experience.
I had many fears – a fear of failure, a fear of nobody supporting me, a fear that I would fall on my face as a leader. My biggest fear, though, felt like a sense of awe because I was being handed an opportunity to create something bigger than myself that could serve others and help them connect with the Holy and their higher, Divine Self. It was humbling to think God would want to use me in that way.
These are examples of two meanings of the word fear that appear in the Hebrew Scriptures. There is "pachad" – which is that terror we feel when we find ourselves in fight or flight situations. This fear is good because, evolutionarily speaking, it keeps you from becoming a tiger's lunch, or being attacked by a charging dog. Generally, you're afraid of what you imagine might happen to you in the future, even if it's the immediate future.
The second form of fear is called "yirah," and this is the fear we may feel when we step into a consciousness or energy that is unfamiliar to us, and feels scary because it feels expansive and full of new opportunities. It's also the feeling we get when we encounter the divine. This is the fear – or awe – of "the Lord" that Proverbs 9 says is "the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One." This is the fear, that if we're willing to walk into it, will bring us new insights and opportunities for growth.
Both of these fears have a lot in common – they both bring on the adrenaline, make us hyper-aware of the present moment and pull us out of our comfort zone. Pachad, though, according to author and coach Tara Mohr, makes our bodies tense and brings a sense of contraction because we're usually trying to physically protect ourselves. Yirah, though, "brings more of a spacious, fluid feeling into the body," she writes. This is a feeling that infinite possibilities – new insights and wisdom – are becoming available to us if we'll step through our fear and take action.
Pachad, she says, feels like it will wound us – either at a physical or egoic level – but, yirah is a fear that gives us the potential to transcend the ego. The fear we feel in yirah is the ego's terror at its own disappearance as we step into our higher, Divine Self and allow the Holy to guide us.
Whenever you feel fearful, I invite you to think about which fear you're in – are you in pachad, worrying about the future, or are you in yirah, a fear that calls you to step into a future that can grow and expand your spirit so you become fearless?
You're the water …
There's a story told of two waves drifting in the ocean, one larger than the other. The big wave becomes scared and upset and the smaller wave wants to know why. "You don't want to know," says the bigger wave, "it's too terrible. If you knew you'd never be happy." The smaller wave persists and finally the larger one says, "I can see that not too far from here, all of the waves are crashing onto the shore. We are going to disappear."
The smaller wave considers this and says, "I can make you happy with just six words, if you're willing to listen carefully." The bigger wave doesn't believe it and mocks his smaller companion, but eventually gives in and wants to hear these six words.
The smaller wave says: "You're not a wave. You're water."
These six words are the perspective that yirah, in particular, seeks to offer us – the awareness that we are not these bodies, or these egos or anything the outside world perceives us to be. We are infinite spirits having a finite experience that seeks to teach us how to remember who we truly are. We are the light of the world. We are not the wave. We are the water.
This was a revelation to the larger wave – but also for the smaller wave who had already achieved the wisdom of knowing who she truly was – water, not a wave. We're like that bigger wave – we don't believe there are six, or six million, words that will make us happy and bring us back to our fearless place of inner peace. We're not told what the bigger wave's reaction to this revelation was – but I'm betting that wave couldn't put it into words even if it could speak because it was in the midst of experiencing a miracle – a total shift in perception from fear to love.
"Revelation," A Course in Miracles says in Chapter 1, "induces complete but temporary suspension of doubt and fear. Miracles unite you directly with your siblings."
In that moment, when the wave finally knew it was water, its sense of separation ended. It was instantly united directly with all the other waves in the ocean, knowing it was made up of the same stuff of all the different waves it perceived to be around it. There was no more doubt or fear – there was only the wisdom in knowing that the shore could not destroy his essence because he was water – not the wave.
How many times have we been so caught up in our fear that we could not see those around us just waiting to offer us a few words that might give us a miracle? That chance to become fearless is right here, waiting to be recognized and embraced, but we cling to our fear – whether it's pachad or yirah – and we refuse to be moved. It's the ego that keeps you stuck, because it's afraid that your pachad will wound it or your yirah will obliterate it if you discover the truth – that you're the water and not the wave.
You are not your ego – you are an infinite spirit inhabiting a finite body for one reason only – to realize that your function in this world is to be a channel for light, love, joy and peace. You can only do that, though, if you release the fight-or-flight fear of pachad and step boldly into that delicious, expansive fear of yirah.
What do you do once you embrace the revelation – the wisdom that yirah brings? Give up trying to describe it, the Course says. All revelation is intensely personal and whenever we try to talk about it, its essence is often lost in translation and people look at us like we've lost our minds.
No, the next thing you do after feeling yirah – when you feel called to step into your expansive spirit – is to do it, to take action by embracing your function as the light of the world. We show forth the wisdom of our revelation by stepping into our higher, divine Self and living fully from that place – transcending the ego's penchant for fear, hatred, grievance and competition.
Wisdom, the Proverbs say, has built her house, and we're all invited to the party, to lay aside our immaturity – which is our ego-self – and walk fearlessly in the way of insight knowing we are the water, not the wave.
Fear moves us closer to the truth
While pachad may be our fear of what we imagine will happen next and yirah may be a fear of stepping into the invitation to live into our higher, divine Self, I believe there is a moment in both of those fears where the transformation from fear into love is available.
As I reflect back on those fearful events, their common denominator is that both of them put me fully in the present moment. This is when miracles can occur, when love can break through the fear and bring about that "complete but temporary suspension of doubt and fear," as the Course says. Even in the midst of both kinds of fears, there was a part of me that was not afraid – that was my higher, Divine Self shining through and making itself available.
In my pachad moment, I was so focused on the charging dog, I didn't know what my own dogs had been doing. When the dog veered away and I went to make our escape, it was only then that I noticed the Lord had wrapped her leash around my legs. Apparently, she had been circling me the whole time but I was not aware of it. I was too busy trying to keep us all safe. I had been angry with my neighbor for not controlling his dog, but in the aftermath, I could feel compassion for an older man who was obviously physically outmatched by a dog he had committed to love and care for. All he wanted was the safety of us all, just as I did. That realization obliterated my sense of separation.
In my yirah moment, even though I was afraid, I had an overwhelming sense that I would not be alone, that I would be carried and supported by those who loved me and shared my vision of what Jubilee! Circle could become. Those feelings of love and support took me out of my individual fear and feelings of separation to a feeling of unity and community.
Buddhist monk Pema Chodron writes in her book When Things Fall Apart that, "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." The key to overcoming that fear and becoming the truth of who we are is to stay with the fear – to not shy away from it – and embrace the opportunity it brings us to be in the present moment where miracles can take place.
Both Chodron and the Proverbs agree, now is the moment when wisdom appears, ready to feed us a steady diet of insight. How we live in the moment, Chodron says, sets the stage for our future. "We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same."
Now is the time for enlightenment and your fear in any given moment offers you the gateway to become fearless – to recognize Love within the present moment, even if we're terrified or in awe of the limitless potential that we are invited to realize that we are.
Chodron says, "What we do accumulates; the future is the result of what we do right now." I invite you to remember you are the water, not the wave. The ego has no hold over you when you remember who you truly are and that will make you brave enough to run down your demons and feel the light of Love that dwells within you. And when you can transform that fear – whether it's pachad or yirah – into love, then the whole world can say: Oh Yeah!
Music for the Journey
“Fearless” by Goo Goo Dolls
About the Motley Mystic:
The Motley Mystic is an online community for people who have realized that the truth speaks with many voices. There is no one religion, philosophy, institution or dogma that captures the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth. No one needs to swear allegiance to one line of thought or belief to discern Truth, because Love is the only thing that’s real. That’s what we explore at the Motley Mystic - all the tools and strategies we need to remove our barriers to Love and live fully as our true, Divine Self.
Candace Chellew is the founder of Motley Mystic as well Jubilee! Circle, an interfaith spiritual community in Columbia, S.C. She is also the author of Bulletproof Faith: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay and Lesbian Christians published in 2008 by Jossey-Bass. She is also a musician and avid beer drinker.