Ain't you tired of being a dog with a bone?
When everything is never enough
Listen to this article:
"Ain't you tired, Miss Hilly? Ain't you tired?"
-- Aibileen Clark to Hilly Holbrook in the movie "The Help"
Years ago, I had three dogs – The Lord (a German Shepherd, named for "The Lord is my shepherd"), Jack (a pit bull mix with blue eyes), and Ziva (a tricolored pit mix). Jack and The Lord are no longer with me, and Ziva is living with a friend. Whenever I watched those dogs play in the yard, this line from "The Help" came to mind.
Each dog had a very different personality. Ziva, the smallest of the three, was clearly the alpha dog, which means that she believed every treat and morsel of food was meant for her alone. The Lord, who peaked at 127 pounds, remained a big puppy her entire life. Whenever Ziva guarded the toy or meal of the day, The Lord would dance around her, trying to play or lure her away from the prize while Ziva growled and lunged at her to keep her at bay. Jack, the oldest dog, was nowhere to be seen. He wanted nothing to do with this drama and would be found sunning himself near his favorite tree.
Ziva reminded me of Miss Hilly, the zealous racist in "The Help" who worked tirelessly to maintain white purity and supremacy and attacked anyone and anything that got in her way. Ziva, just like Miss Hilly, was trapped in ego, unable to see that by attacking and defending she simply made matters worse and increased not just the suffering around her, but her own suffering as well.
"To identify with the ego," A Course in Miracles tells us, "is to attack yourself and make yourself poor. That is why everyone who identifies with the ego feels deprived."
You don't have to look far to see how our modern-day religions are captured by the ego and teach their acolytes to blindly obey not just the corporate ego, but their own individual egoic beliefs. Mainstream Christianity, especially, is quite talented at teaching its members the art of egoic attack. Christians fighting against everything from marriage equality for gays and lesbians to equal rights – not to mention productive rights – for women to immigrants taking up residence in our country, are feeling deprived. They paint themselves as the victims of discrimination by these opposing groups. This leads them to work to pass laws to make sure they don't have to "violate" their beliefs by granting marriage licenses, baking cakes, ensuring equal pay, healthcare access, or religious freedom for anyone but themselves.
Just like my Ziva did, they attack and defend, seeing the prize -- their own privilege and the self-worth they derive from it -- as something outside of themselves. The ego perceives a world of separation. "They want what I have," their ego whispers, "and if I allow them to have it, my share will be diminished." That's the message of much mainstream Christianity today -- if someone in an outside group gains the same privilege you have, your privilege is no longer special.
Like a dog with a bone
Whenever I gave my dogs bones, Ziva would work tirelessly to gain all three of them, because she refused to see herself as equal to the other two dogs. They were beneath her, and they needed to know that.
"Ain't you tired, Miss Ziva?" I would say when she finally stood in triumph over the three bones.
But, like the anti-LGBTQ, anti-immigrant, anti-women, anti-everyone-who-isn't-just-like-me religionist, she was so wrapped up in the ego she had no idea how to stop, or even realized that she should. This is how the world is, both my dog and other deeply unconscious beings believe, and another way is not possible.
But The Lord and Jack represented clear paths to overcoming the ego's tiresome grip on our lives. When The Lord and Jack had a bone, they were not possessive. They chewed it and if something better came along, like someone walking down the street, they abandoned their prize and ran off to bark at the stranger.
Ziva, of course, saw this as her chance to steal the bones and she often did. When the other two dogs came back and found their bones gone, they did not fret or worry or challenge Ziva to get it back. They simply went on with their lives. In their world, bones appear and disappear. There's no need to worry. Another bone will come along. It always does.
Neither The Lord, nor Jack, saw Ziva as competition. They merely saw her as another dog who, like them, enjoyed the prize now and then. They didn't hate her for taking their bone. In the moment, they simply enjoyed whatever was happening. Bones were nice to have, but, ultimately, they required nothing outside of themselves to be happy.
Dropping the bone of contention
This is the key to overcoming our egoic tendency to attack and horde resources such as money or privilege.
"You must realize," A Course continues, "that your hatred is in your mind and not outside it before you can get rid of it; and why you must get rid of it before you can perceive the world as it really is."
As long as we harbor hatred toward anyone we see as "taking" something from us, we will always be caught up in the ego and we will feel deprived when they have something we don't have. Instead, A Course counsels us to first get rid of our own hatred -- our own need to "get even" or even "get more" than someone else.
We must learn the art of living in the present moment. We may have a delicious bone in front of us at this moment, or we may not, but we must learn how not to hate those who we believe have stolen our bone or have more than we think they need. Instead, we must refrain from judgment of either our own lack or their apparent selfishness or greed.
"Only love is strong," according to A Course, "because it is undivided. The strong do not attack because they see no need to do so."
The Lord and Jack represented the strong -- those who have risen above the ego and have learned to live in harmony with even one who attacks and defends. They offered nothing but love to Ziva, and every so often, she seemed to get that as she joined them in romping and playing.
I invite you to look around your own world. What bones are you defending? Who, or what, are you attacking or guarding against? Who has a "bone" that you wish were yours? We do not achieve "equality" in the outside world until we can first be equal with everyone – friend, and perceived foe alike – inside our own hearts and minds.
Music for the Journey:
“I Want it All” - Queen
Looking for a guest speaker at your spiritual community? Contact me!
I have some speaking engagements coming up:
January 7, 2024: Clayton Memorial Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, Newberry, SC - 11 a.m.
January 14, 2024: Jubilee! Community, Asheville, NC. 11 a.m. Online viewing will be available.
January 28, 2024: Unitarian Church in Charleston, Charleston, SC. Online viewing will be available.
About the Motley Mystic:
The Motley Mystic is an online community for people who have realized that the truth speaks with many voices. There is no one religion, philosophy, institution, or dogma that captures the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth. No one needs to swear allegiance to one line of thought or belief to discern Truth, because Love is the only thing that’s real. That’s what we explore at the Motley Mystic - all the tools and strategies we need to remove our barriers to Love and live fully as our true Divine Self.
Candace Chellew is the founder of Motley Mystic as well as Jubilee! Circle, an interfaith spiritual community in Columbia, S.C. She is also the author of Bulletproof Faith: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay and Lesbian Christians published in 2008 by Jossey-Bass and the founder and senior editor emeritus of Whosoever: An Online Magazine for LGBTQ People of Faith. She is also a musician and avid animal lover.