3 steps to tame a "red zone" ego
Channel your inner Cesar Millan
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Famous dog trainer Cesar Millan is used to dealing with what he calls "red zone" dogs such as Emily, a pit bull who took her owner out for a daily drag while barking, growling and lunging at every person and animal that dared to cross their path. So-called "red zone" dogs are easy to spot – they are very territorial, aggressive, overprotective, and will guard their resources such as toys or food.
I encountered one of those vicious red zone dogs recently – and it did attack me and did its level best to do me a lot of harm. The thing is, I know this dog very well, and I'm not surprised it attacked me. In fact, it's a dog that tears at my tender parts quite regularly. This dog's name is, "Ego."
A Course in Miracles, in Chapter 19, says that our egos are a lot like these "red zone" dogs because egos are only "capable of suspiciousness at best and viciousness at worst." Red zone dogs are always suspicious – certain that someone is lurking about trying to steal the resources it believes are scarce in its world like food, attention, or affection. That suspicion can turn to viciousness when its worst fears are confirmed, and it senses someone is out to deprive it of what it believes it needs.
I think we can learn a lot about how to handle our suspicious and vicious egos from how Cesar handles dogs. First, and most importantly, Cesar never sees a dog as hopeless or in need of destruction or elimination. Red zone dogs are that way for a reason and if you can figure out what it is – spoiler alert: the answer is fear – you can work to eliminate, or at least ease, the underlying cause.
When we're working with our ego our goal is not to eliminate it. It's not even to "overcome" it or "fix" it. Our goal is always to gently oust it as the alpha dog of our lives and make it an obedient part of the pack where it belongs. We need an ego to survive in the world, but it must be in its proper place – dutifully walking beside us instead of snarling and growling at the world.
The proper place for both a dog, and our ego, is as a companion – one that obeys and listens to us, and not the other way around. We can take that first step in training up our ego correctly by recognizing that it constantly lives in fear. It sees the world as completely outside of itself where it must orchestrate and control its circumstances to feel any peace, love, or joy inside. It views others with suspicion and attacks those it sees as a threat to its bodily safety or limited resources.
That's a lot of fear we're all carrying around in our bodies, and, like our beloved pets, we tend to feel protective over it. We see a fearful animal and we want to coddle it and give it what we think it needs to feel safe. The thing is, as A Course tells us, just recognizing our fear isn't enough, we also have to allow the Holy Spirit to show us the truth underneath that fear. It's the same for us as it is for dogs: We're afraid that we're separate – that it's a dog-eat-dog world and that we'll be the dog that's for dinner.
If, however, we refuse to protect our fear, A Course tells us, God will reinterpret it. God will transform our fear into love by showing us exactly what we need to do to turn our red zone dog of an ego into a faithful and loving companion. It's the same things Cesar recommends: Plenty of exercise, discipline, and affection.
Being your ego's true leader
It's understandable that we would want to protect our canine-like ego because we often treat our ego like we do our pets, especially red zone pets whose dominance we often mistake for competence. The reason dogs become aggressive is because, according to Cesar, they don't have a true leader. Dogs, by their nature, don't crave domination. They crave a steady hand – someone they can trust to guide and protect them.
When they feel such leadership is lacking, they do what they have to do to survive, and that can include becoming vicious. The problem with red zone dogs is that they've had to take care of their own needs and desires for so long that when a leader finally shows up, they resist giving up their viciousness because it has become not just a habit – but its very identity. This is what happens to us. We all desire a sense of safety, a sense that all of our needs will be met and a sense of belonging – feeling like we are part of a cohesive whole and not out in the world on our own.
When we begin to awaken to that leader within ourselves – that higher, Divine Self – and it begins to assert its proper position, the ego will often react with more suspicion and viciousness. Because it has lived so long in fear the ego believes that our authentic self is here to destroy it – so it lashes out with even more fury.
When this happens, we must follow Cesar's top recommendation for bringing a red zone dog under control: "Exercise." He's, of course, talking about literal physical exercise – and while that can be a good practice for us as well, what I'm talking about are the spiritual exercises we do. Cesar says if he can get the anxiety out of a dog's body by physically tiring them out, then he can work with the mind. The same goes for our ego – if we can alleviate egoic anxiety through exercises such as meditation, journaling, yoga, walks in nature, prayer, or whatever exercise works for you – then we can begin to work with our higher mind to soothe the ego's fear of that will be destroyed or eliminated.
If you've ever rescued a dog that's been abused – or seen a video of someone who has – you'll see that what removes a dog's suspicion and viciousness the fastest is to allow it some space. Fearful dogs, like fearful egos, do not trust easily. Sometimes all you can do is sit quietly with it and allow it to run amok for a little bit until it wears itself out. It will try everything it can think of to get you to react how it expects – to yell at it, get frustrated with it, hit it, or otherwise do it harm.
It takes time for both your ego – and a scared dog – to trust you enough to let you pet it, let alone cuddle it and show it some affection. It is ultimately affection that we're working toward – that ability to bring fear to love. That's where discipline comes in – you have to be dedicated to keep working with yourself for any of this to be effective.
Training the ego's owner
We must begin, though, where Cesar begins – by training the owner. We may not all own dogs, but we all own an ego, and how it behaves is ultimately up to us. We're not, however, looking to our ego to train our ego. We must go to our inner Cesar – that higher, Divine Self that reinterprets our fear and helps us set those healthy boundaries, rules and expectations. We can only do that by realizing that the truth of both dogs and humans is this: we are not our fear.
As A Course says, fear and love are the only two emotions we can have and fear is always false – it's not even real, because when we believe we are in fear all we are doing is calling for love. We, like dogs, are calling for our true pack leader to appear so we can enter the peace that we've never truly left.
If we stop protecting our fear it becomes meaningless, as A Course tells us. We deny its power over us to conceal the Love of God that surrounds us in every moment. This is the wonder of you. You have a universe inside of you that is made only of Love, but our fearful egos aren't able to relax and trust that yet. So, we must live fully as our higher, Divine pack leader, diligently using spiritual exercise to tire out the anxious ego so we can give it the affection it needs to become our faithful companion – rolling over and sitting on command.
Ultimately, dogs who are rehabilitated from their red zone status are those who realize, in their own canine ways, the truth about themselves. They are not meant to be separate – they are meant to be part of a pack that loves and protects them. The same is true of us humans. We are not meant to believe that we are separate. We become like rabid dogs when we believe that we have to fight and scrap for what we perceive as limited resources.
The good news is, we are not who or what our egos say we are. We are not limited or worthless – or conversely, we are not our specialness parading around as bravado and bluster. The whole universe is inside of us, which means we are limitless. The only thing we ever have to carry is Love – and it is always light.
Often, though, we prefer our heavy burdens – our limiting thoughts that keep us caught up in our small stories – thinking we can't possibly be the vastness of all that is. So, we allow our ego to tear into us – assuring us with its viciousness that we are nothing unless we prove our worth in some worldly way through power, fame, wealth, or adoration.
We protect those limitations by saying things like, "I'm working on myself," or "I'm trying to overcome my problems," or "I'm trying to fix my limitations." Often, the world puts burdens on our shoulders, but the heaviest ones are those we load on ourselves – to expect our poor, frightened ego to create a perfect world that doesn't trigger any of its painful wounds.
What are you doing to yourself? Give up the heavy burden of your limitations and embrace the wonder of you – the vastness of the universe is inside of you. You are not separate from anything in this world. You are part of the energy that makes the grass grow, the energy that creates mountains and canyons, and hurricanes, and gentle, summer breezes. This is what flows through you at all times. And you're worried about whether someone will like you?
Going beyond our insane belief system
In Chapter 9 of A Course, it tells us that we have two conflicting views about ourselves: we are either our fearful ego or we are the all that is. "They both cannot be true," it says. "You cannot evaluate an insane belief system from within it … you can only go beyond it."
You only go beyond the ego's insane belief system by remembering the true wonder of you – that you are the unlimited vastness of all that is. We can remember who we truly are by using our three steps to gain the trust of our red zone ego: We develop spiritual exercises that relieve the ego's anxiety, we dedicate ourselves to those practices, and we cultivate a true affection and open heart for our wounded and fearful ego self.
By following these three steps, exercise, discipline, and affection for our fearful ego self, we will be transported to that place beyond all fear, beyond all doubt, beyond all limitation, beyond all suspicion, and viciousness. Here, there is nothing to overcome, nothing to fix, nothing to work on in this place out beyond the ego. Here, there is only the featherlight load of Love that makes fear meaningless and denies its power to rule over us.
Here, you welcome your fearful, canine-like ego, and instead of "dealing with it" or "fixing" it, you simply make space for it. Here, you show it unconditional love and infinite patience. Here, in this place beyond all fear, you become its leader, not its servant – and soon you'll find that the ego will sit, beg, roll over, and even play dead at your command.
Music for the Journey
“My Dog and Me” - John Hiatt
“I never felt so free
It's just my dog and me”
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August 4, 2024: Clayton Memorial Unitarian Universalist Church - Newberry, SC (in-person only) - Upcoming Sermon: “God’s Got Some ‘Splainin’ to Do”
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This is the sermon I delivered at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Charleston on June 23, 2024, entitled, “Pink Paradise: How Barbie Can Renew Our Hope for the Future.” (Beth and I perform my song “Native Word” following the sermon.)
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About the Motley Mystic:
The Motley Mystic is an online community for people who have realized that the truth speaks with many voices. There is no one religion, philosophy, institution, or dogma that captures the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth. No one needs to swear allegiance to one line of thought or belief to discern Truth, because Love is the only thing that’s real. That’s what we explore at the Motley Mystic - all the tools and strategies we need to remove our barriers to Love and live fully as our true Divine Self.
Candace Chellew is the founder of Motley Mystic as well as Jubilee! Circle, an interfaith spiritual community in Columbia, S.C. She is also the author of Bulletproof Faith: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay and Lesbian Christians published in 2008 by Jossey-Bass and the founder and senior editor emeritus of Whosoever: An Online Magazine for LGBTQ People of Faith. She is also a musician and avid animal lover.
Great insights, Candace. Ego is essential for personal growth and leadership. But in too large doses, it can become toxic. TY, Candace.
I often still feel worn out by the ego’s game of charades. I remind myself that if the recognizing is happening at all, I’m on my way towards peace. Of course the ego even high jacks the recognizing and wants it immediately, and therein lies the current “problem”. I can recall the days where I never recognized and was stuck in a state of ongoing fear. I’m grateful to find myself beyond that mode of thinking. I’m reminded of an Alan Watts quote, “You find out that the universe is a system that creeps up on itself and says 'Boo' and then laughs at itself for jumping.” Somedays are easier to laugh than others and when I’m not grasping it is down right hilarious. Much love and thank you for your writings. I really enjoy reading them.